3 December 2010

How did it get to be December already? 

It's midnight, and I can't sleep, even though I could hardly keep my eyes open at 7:30 tonight.  I've been doing some research on hearing.  Specifically, being hard of hearing.

I'm hard of hearing in my right ear. 

I don't remember exactly when I started to notice the loss, it's been a gradual decline over the last, 5? 10? years.  At first it was just a matter of switching the phone to the other ear so I could hear, or laying with my "good" ear up when I was watching t.v.  

But over the last six months, it's gotten harder for me to hear in almost all social situations.  I turn the music up louder in the car and am never quite satisfied with it; I ask people to repeat themselves if there is background noise, or if there are multiple conversations happening; I hate talking on the phone because I can't hear what the other person is saying, and feel frustrated that I can't see their face to compensate for what I can't hear.  I never even realized how much I rely on speechreading.  

Last week during turn in, it was 27 degrees, and the wind were whipping at almost 30mph.  I had to wear a hat, my hood, and a scarf to keep warm.  Unfortunately, so did everyone else.  I couldn't see people's faces, or hear their voices.

I had my hearing tested about a month ago, and the results were frustrating.  

Yes, I have hearing loss, no there isn't much they can do.  I have conductive hearing loss, resulting from repeated ear infections.  This means my hearing nerves are in tact, but the path that sound has to travel through to reach the nerves is damaged.  Traditional hearing aides aren't effective for this type of hearing loss, because they just amplify sound without making it any clearer.  There is an option, it's called a BAHA or bone anchored hearing aid.  It sends the sound directly through the bone to the nerve, instead of requiring sounds to travel through the air and into the ear.  Unfortunately, my hearing isn't poor enough for a BAHA, not to mention they're expensive, and insurance doesn't cover them.

The biggest anxiety I have about moving out on my own next year isn't my job, or the responsibility.

It's hearing.

Service dogs are expensive to train, certify, (not to mention feed and care for!) but require exercise and care, just like a regular pet would (I understand they aren't pets).

I'm afraid to ask for help, I don't want to be turned away for jobs, or have employers think I'm a burden because I can't hear, despite what protections are supposed to be offered by the ADA.
I don't feel like my family understands my frustrations, or they might think they're trivial, or I should just learn to deal with them, or I'm making something out of nothing.

I don't quite know where I fit.  I don't know how to sign, and I'm not a part of the Deaf culture, but I don't totally belong to the hearing wold either.

For the most part I get by.
But sometimes I don't want to just get by, I want to get it all.